When Sex Becomes a Bondage in Marriage

ROMANCE

How do you tell a married couple to abstain from sex when there is no health or physical challenge in the way? It sounds suicidal and so wrong, right? After all, sex is a key aspect of the beauty of the union.

In fact, marriage is the only place that sex is legally and morally allowed without the familiar backlash of society. So what could make anyone counsel a married couple to abstain from sex? It sounds like a ridiculous suggestion.

There are times when married couples practice impromptu abstinence due to health or spiritual reasons. Not having regular sex in marriage could also be caused by long distance, that is, when your spouse is away from home for a long period of time. This type of waiting game has its resultant effect -good or bad- on marriage depending on the duration.

As bizarre and ridiculous it sounds, the practice of abstinence in marriage in this sex-crazed world is important. It is important that couples stay away from under-the-sheets for a period. The Bible has already given spiritual reasons for abstinence from sex but more than that, abstinence helps to build a deeper intimacy with your spouse.

There is so much emphasis on sex in marriage that couples have relegated other forms of intimacy to the background. Sex is seen as the ultimate way of having a lasting relationship but this concept is so wrong. While sex is important, it is not the bedrock of relationship. Too much concentration on sex could leave cracks in a marriage.

For example, some people cannot communicate with their partner unless sex is involved. When this becomes a ritual in marriage, then the value of sex is abused. Instead of a bonding, there is bondage. Sex becomes a manipulative tool in the marriage, a bargaining chip to get your spouse to do as you desire.

An extreme fall-out of too much sex in marriage is when your partner is addicted to porn and uses you as his tool of release.
If you find yourself in such scenarios, then you need to practice abstinence in your marriage. Abstinence comes with its advantages and disadvantages but if well informed, it yields the desirable results. Before you embark on this journey, it is important to know the following facts:

1: Abstinence is a mutual agreement: Couples who intend to use the abstinence therapy must be willing to do it. The decision should not be one-sided. Both parties have to talk about it and see it as a means to a healthy relationship. If one party is in disagreement, then it is no longer abstinence. There must be clear understanding by both parties on the necessity for such a practice in their relationship.

2. Abstinence is not deprivation: The first thought to cross the mind of people when abstinence is mentioned is deprivation. This is not true. Deprivation is a deliberate and continuous denial of sexual intimacy. Abstinence on the other hand gives room for other forms of intimacy such as emotional, intellectual, spiritual and experiential intimacy to nurture relationship. In our world today, intimacy is hastily viewed in sexual lens but it is deeper than that. When you stay away from the bedroom, it gives you room to explore other forms of intimacy such as sharing and appreciating your partner’s intellect and emotion.

It improves your communication level and builds a stronger and deeper connection. Simple acts like going to cinema together, appreciating a work of art, discussing your business potential and even differing attitudes towards money, helping out in daily chores, taking a stroll in the evening just holding hands and sharing a kiss or two, are ways that can strengthen your relationship with your partner.
3. Abstinence is for a short period: Another distinguishing fact between abstinence and deprivation is the duration. While deprivation could run into months or years, abstinence is just for a limited time depending on the couple. It should never exceed 10 days, unless one is on a spiritual task. In this period of waiting, ensure that you spend quality time together by doing things you like and are interested in. But please if the urge is too hard to resist, by all means break it. It is better to break it than to give in to the wild temptation outside marriage.

With this understanding, it should be easy to embark on abstinence, knowing that at the end of the day, the result will be positive on your marriage. Like every other thing in life, excesses often lead to abuse. So let there be a time of joining and also separation to strike the right balance in your marriage. Abstinence inadvertently helps your sexual life.

Perhaps the ultimate gift one gets from abstinence is trust. When you and your partner decide to abstain from sex knowing that you do not yield to temptation outside your marriage, it shows the trust you have for each other. It gives you confidence that your partner is willing to hold on for a while without yielding to temptations. It deepens your appreciation of the love you share.
Remember intimacy is not only about sex and abstinence is not deprivation but a healthy practice to a long lasting relationship.